I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
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