i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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