The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
