I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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