Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
