Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
