oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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