I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Randomize
