i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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