If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Randomize