I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
