Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
