Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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