I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
