tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
So squirting runs in the family.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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