that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
