Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
