I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
