So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
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