I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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