I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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