Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
