fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Every concussion has its silver lining
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
