grandma shit on top of the toilet
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
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