The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
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