he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Randomize
