I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
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