Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize