i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
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