Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
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