help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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