Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
