I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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