I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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