I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
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