If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Randomize
