Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
