There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
