i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
