I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Don't EVER smell your tampon
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
