i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
