Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
