I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
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