So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
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