I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Randomize
