Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
