You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
