mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
