He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
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