Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Randomize
