dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize