I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
Randomize
