So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
