Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
