theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Just looking for some anal play. An attempting to read atonement. The highbrow/lowbrow divide is striking.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
