I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
