you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
