don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
