We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Randomize
