i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Randomize