Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
