Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
FUCK WHALES
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
