a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
