what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
